It’s official: Jacob Zuma’s swimming pool is a matter of national security

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa — It's official: a swimming pool is essential to home security.

You can thank South Africa's large-living president, Jacob Zuma, for that excuse. It's one of the creative explanations for upgrades to Zuma's private rural residence, paid for by the South African taxpayer at a hefty cost of more than $20 million.

On Thursday the country's police minister Nkosinathi Nhleko released his investigation into state spending on the president's retreat in Nkandla, his home village in KwaZulu-Natal. It was the third such report into a scandal that has dogged Zuma since first revealed in late 2009.

A previous report, by the highly respected public protector (like an ombudsman), found that Zuma had benefited unduly and should repay a portion of the expenses. The police minister's report, similar to one by the public works department, justified the state-funded upgrades, which included a swimming pool, chicken run and cattle corral, as necessary for security reasons.

The swimming pool at Zuma's house has long been explained away as a "fire pool," meaning, it will be used as a water source should one of the thatched roof buildings in the compound catch fire.

But this report, unlike the others, rather bizarrely included video demonstrations filmed at the president's home, screened at a media briefing in Cape Town that was also broadcast live on national television.

Journalists could be heard laughing as the "fire pool" demonstration video began, accompanied by the somber strains of  "O Sole Mio." The video went on to show water being pumped from what is clearly a swimming pool, through a hose pipe, offering viewers an up-close look at Zuma's Nkandla homestead.

The police minister soberly declared that a swimming pool is the most important security feature at Nkandla, a line repeated by the official government Twitter account.

Another video attempted to show, with the help of Wikipedia, how an amphitheater was actually a retaining wall to protect a security road from soil erosion. 

The video about the cattle corral, or "kraal," featured a fedora-wearing cultural expert who explained the significance of cattle in Zulu culture.  The chicken run is necessary, it seems, to stop "free-running chickens" from triggering sensitive security alarms.

As you might imagine, South African Twitter exploded during this tortuous, nearly two-hour briefing punctuated by the low budget-looking videos. 

The bottom line: Zuma will not have to repay any of the money spent on his Nkandla residence, because all home improvements were found necessary for security reasons. Especially the fire pool.