No more panda porn in Scotland

It wasn’t quite the level of Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca, but there was definitely chemistry between the two giant pandas in the Edinburgh Zoo this week.

For those of you following their lives on pandacam, I’m sure you'll agree: Sunshine and Sweetie were meant for each other.

Talk about pressure, though.

As Global Post reported before, female pandas only get sexually active once a year. And then only for a 36-hour period.

That doesn’t allow much room for bad pick up lines or other mating mistakes on the part of the male.

In short, if you are a male panda, you better have some serious game ready.

And, honestly, Yang Guang kind of did.

Sparks were flying, cuddles were had, bamboo sticks were munched.

For a while there, it was like watching panda porn. Some British journalists even wrote their own panda porn scripts. Except — very much unlike real porn — what kept everyone engaged in the panda affair was the answer to the question: “Will they, or won’t they?”

It's with great sorrow that I must report the following: after two days of strenuous attempts by the giant male panda Yang Guang (Sunshine) to get Tian Tian (Sweetie) in the sack, he ended up not closing the deal.

Though, on the bright side, his testicles apparently enlarged by a third. 

The Edinburgh Zoo announced on its website Thursday: “It was close, but no cigar.”

Here's Iain Valentine, Director or Research & Conservation with the play by play: 

Each time the pair met we saw a huge amount of eagerness and attraction between Tian Tian and Yang Guang. There was lots of vocalization and encouragement from our female and physical contact between the two. He mounted her several times, however full mating did not occur. Although both have bred before and have borne cubs with other pandas, they are both still relatively inexperienced. 

Males around the world have expressed their sympathy to Yang Guang, the male panda, and offered their condolences.