Male sex drive blamed for all evil

British scientists have finally confirmed what women worldwide have been suspecting for centuries.

It’s not religious principles that start wars. It’s not even civilization’s thirst for oil.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the penis.

According to a study published this week in the Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society publication, the male sex drive is the cause of most conflicts in the world, from soccer hooliganism to religious wars, not to mention family disputes over the toilet seat being left up.

According to this story in The Telegraph, the scientists call it the “male warrior instinct” and claim men are programmed to be aggressive toward outsiders.

It apparently used to be a handy instinct, back when you had to kill other suitors in order to gain more access to mates, but nowadays, this only works in some countries and a few US cities. For the rest of us, this unreformed sex drive only means ever-increasing defense budgets.

The magnitude of this discovery is so great, it’s difficult to estimate the potential ramifications.

At only eight inches on average (or that’s what we have been told), it’s smaller in size than most other controversial discoveries, yet — just like the atom — it has catastrophic consequences if in the hands of the wrong people.

Sign up for our daily newsletter

Sign up for The Top of the World, delivered to your inbox every weekday morning.