Working moms fed up with husbands

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There was a time not too long ago when the emergence of two-income households was seen as a triumph for gender equality. But increasingly, it turns out that many working moms are getting mad. Who are moms mad at? The dads.  

Jeremy Adam Smith is author of "The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting Are Transforming the American Family."

On "The Takeaway," Smith said a poll in "Parenting" magazine showed that many moms were fed up with their husbands, "For example, 40 percent said they’re mad at dad because they can’t seem to multi-task, which is a kind of essential parenting skill. Thirty percent said they can’t get enough help with chores."

The real source of the anger isn’t so much about who’s doing what said Smith, but more about how working parents are comparing themselves to others, "The mom is measuring the dad against other dads, and the dad is measuring the himself against other dads, and that can create feelings of inadequacy and anger."

Lisa Belkin is author of the Motherlode blog for "The New York Times." She agrees with Smith’s assertion that couples are measuring themselves against others, but takes it a step further.

"I think that women are measuring themselves against both their mothers and their fathers," said Belkin. "They are doing their mom’s job, and they’re dong dad’s job. If they are working outside the home and bringing in an income, they’re their fathers. And then they come home and they feel this obligation to be their old-fashioned mother … and then you’ve got dad who’s comparing himself to his dad, and he’s feeling pretty good about it. But mom’s looking over at him and saying, ‘yeah, but I’m still chasing two role models here,’ and there’s a lot of anger."

Smith believes part of the problem is that empathy breaks down between couples, especially when they have to balance children and work.

"When you become a parent it becomes very hard to talk about very serious issues that you’re facing as a couple because, especially if you’re working parents, cause you’re either at work, or at home with the child," said Smith. "It becomes very important for the couple to set aside time for themselves as … romantic partners and life partners."

Belkin thinks the key is equal sharing — from chores and responsibilities to personal and fun time.  

Smith says it’s also about showing gratitude, "Division of labor is very important. But a lot of studies …have found that just as important is expressing gratitude for what your partner does and cultivating an attitude of gratitude in your home and when you do that couples tend to be a lot happier, individuals are happier, and the relationships tend to last longer and also, I think, it’s good for the kids."

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