Welcome to Thailand: No sex tourists, please

BANGKOK, Thailand — I am almost embarrassed to admit it, but this is my first time in Thailand.

I must be the only global sex correspondent in the world who is a complete Bangkok virgin, but I am about to change all that.

I have 10 days to discover what Thailand has to offer in the realm of love, sex and everything in between.

Some say 10 days is nothing, others warn me that 10 days in Thailand is about as taxing as 10 days in Las Vegas.

Last year, I spent four days in Las Vegas and it took about 10 years off my life. I cannot even imagine what 10 days in Thailand will do to me.

For starters, I am still mentally preparing myself to see the ping-pong show. I can sort of visualize ping-pongs pushing up against the cervix, definitely far more easily than razor blades. Another show, same idea.

Since I just arrived, I haven’t seen much of Thailand aside from the eclectic Atlanta Hotel in Bangkok. Which isn’t anything to sneeze at.

My favorite thing about the place is the giant “no sex tourists welcome” outside.

You know you are in a classy joint when you get a welcome like that. I shouldn’t be too surprised since I splurged and shelled out a whole 23 dollars for the hotel room here. It comes with its own bathroom and air-conditioning unit, and a rulebook twice the size of the New Testament.

Here are some of the rules imposed by the Atlanta Hotel:
– no sex workers (of any sex)
– no drugs
– no demi-mondaine
– no calamites
– no drugs
– no prostitutes (see rule on demi-mondaine)

I am already feeling nervous about the whole thing. And it turns out there is another rulebook in the lobby called the Sixteen Fundamental Principles and that one gets into some serious detail on what is generally unacceptable in Thailand, such as:

– touching people’s head
– showing affection in public
– lifting feet in front of people you respect, especially government officials
– dressing like sluts (for women)
– wearing wife-beaters (for men)

I have read the entire thing cover to cover and I think I am ready to venture outside now. I think.

Wish me luck. And be sure to follow my exploits here at the Wanderlust blog, wherever they may lead.

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