‘I’m surprised at how boring a film about sex can actually be’

Billionaire Christian Grey’s kinks are well known thanks to the bestselling book Fifty Shades of Grey, but now they’re coming to the big screen. According to our critics, though, onscreen as on the page, Grey (Jamie Dornan) and Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) leave something to be desired.

“I have to say, I’m surprised at how boring a film about sex can actually be,” says Rafer Guzman, film critic for Newsday. “This film is so slow. There’s no pulse to it, no life in it, the sex scenes, which are the only reason anyone’s going to show up, they’re so boring.”

Kristen Meinzer, culture producer for The Takeaway, agrees — but adds that many of the boring scenes have the added bonus of being unintentionally hilarious.

“There are moments where the whole audience is howling with laughter,” she says. “One of my favorite moments is actually when he asks if she remembers the safe words because she’s going to need them and then he just gets out this really pretty peacock feather.”

The bottom line is that, despite the hype, the movie just isn’t very sexy.

“I think if people are going to see some really edgy, envelope-pushing, weird stuff on screen, you’re really going to get ice cubes and a riding crop,” Guzman says. “That’s really about it.”

And even though there are funny moments, Meinzer says they aren’t enough to carry the film.

“I don’t think we’ve got a camp classic here,” Meinzer adds.

Kingsman: The Secret Service

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Guzman and Meinzer agree that if you’re going to go to the movies this weekend, this snappy spy movie from the director of “Kickass” and “X-Men First Class” is your best bet.

Colin Firth plays an aging spy who grooms the young Gary "Eggsy" Unwin (Taron Egerton) to become an agent. If you love the style, gadgets and zaniness of 1960s James Bond, you’ll love this.

“The action sequences are just terrific,” Meinzer says. “The choreography, the editing, all of it was just very snappy. And they’re not afraid to pull out every punch to make you love this movie. You’re going to love the characters’ charm, you’re going to love the villain’s wackiness, they even have cute gratuitous puppies for no good reason. I loved this movie. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.”

There’s also a star-studded supporting cast, including Michael Caine, Mark Strong, and, of course, Samuel L. Jackson. Plus, Rafer says, Colin Firth gets his 007 on.

“I think it’s all a little over the top, a little cartoony,” Guzman says. “But I agree with Kristen, it’s very stylish, very energetic, and a lot of fun.”