The right to sex

The Indiana and North Carolina primaries might finally put the Democratic race to bed tonight after a looooot of foreplay. But for right now, let’s look back to our country’s conception. When the white men wrote our Constitution, they had some pretty good ideas for a bunch old guys with ponytails: justice, liberty, a more perfect union, etc. But Ecuadorian assembly member, Maria Soledad Vela has a different type of “perfect union” in mind for her country’s new constitution. It’s an effort to ensure women have the right to sexual happiness in the official language of their constitution.

Now you got our vote. But, Ecuador, if you give women this right, you have to give it to men, too. And that’s a whole can of worms better left with a prophylactic sheath on it. Because for women to attain sexual happiness we need: equal rights, plenty of time, and maybe a couple candles. But for men it requires an unsolicited pizza delivery, a waterbed, and a woman with really low self-esteem. Preferably two.

And we don’t care how you word that, it’ll look pretty silly in a Bill of Rights even if “I’ve got your meatlover’s pizza” sounds sexy in Spanish .