Page from Vladimir Putin’s personal diary leaked

This is satire, mostly. For more GlobalPost satire, click here.

GlobalPost has obtained a page from Russian President Vladimir Putin's personal diary. The leak comes at the start of the 2014 winter Olympics, which are being held in Sochi, Russia. The international community has criticized Putin for passing laws that discriminate against gay people, an issue he addresses below.

Page 99, Vladimir Putin's personal diary:

… and I said to her, “I don’t want to be trapped in a still life!” But that wasn’t the thing that bothered me most about this night. The thing that ruffled the glorious snowy crest on my head was I’m in the middle of telling story of heroic gesture towards wolf, in which it sees the reasonable nature of my power and succumbs. Lady interrupts and says “But what about international criticism of your anti-gay laws?” First I stared at her. Then I tried to crush her with my mind. “And that other thing,” she said, “about gay people staying away from the children?” First I flexed my jaw muscles. Then I casually bent a fork. Then I brought fist down on table, causing nut casings to jump on my sleeve, which was not my intention. I drafted law against nuts in my mind, but now I am getting off the subject.

I said to her, with deceptive yet suave and manly smile, I said, “Female woman, you have beautiful skin, like puppy lost in snow. But you must remember old Russian fairy tale about little baba who asks too many questions, and how old crow put her in tallest tree!” Then I made cutting throat gesture to Grigory, who knows what to do in such a happenstance.

I know, I know, Diary, I should not let this woman snag me, like winter bramble. But it seems as if every single time I make a law saying homosexuals are inferior creatures with bizarre techniques I get international storm of shit! It’s like I cannot make one utterance where I put gays and pedophiles in the same category without having all civilized nations more angry at me than the goblin trapped in the grandfather clock!

Perhaps I should listen to Grigory. “You do you,” he says. Why should I change my views? Many excellent dictators around the world share these views! Is okay. I feel better now that I have written my thoughts. You are such a wonderful diary with such manly sparkles. I think now I find cross bow and go for striding in the woods. Maybe I will find a bear that wants to have a staring contest, which I will obviously win. Ha! Of course I will win! Then I will wash myself in glorious stream…