13 important questions about Scotland

This is satire, mostly. You can find more GlobalPost satire here.

An article in the Scotsman points out that the unicorn is Scotland’s official animal. Now that I know that fact, I have a few questions:

1. Are unicorns real? I know that sounds stupid, and obviously I’m kidding. (Unless they are?)

2. Does this mean that if whimsy is a crime, Scotland is guilty?

3. And that they should be considered innocent until proven gelding?

4. Is Scotland run by 10-year-old girls?

(AFP/Getty Images)

5. Okay, but seriously, say you have a sweatshirt. And it’s got a picture of a unicorn on it in puff-paint? Does this now mean that everything implied by that sweatshirt—the general optimism, the playful sensibility, the touch of magic—is that all sort of now on the table?

6. Remember that part in Rob Roy where Liam Neeson is trying to evade his captors? And so he guts the carcass of a moose and then hides inside it? Because I thought that was the deal in Scotland. I guess not?

7. If the unicorn is Scotland’s official animal, does that mean that you can slide down a rainbow, and pixies are real, and that eating a Turkish Jelly at midnight will cause your grandmother to come back to life?

8. “If” I were to put a horn on my head and caper around and poop in the court square that would be considered patriotic right? I’m just saying “if.”

9. Remember that part in Rob Roy where Liam Neeson and Jessica Lang have sex in a field?

(AFP/Getty Images)

10. So does this mean that everyone in Scotland is, in a general, ambient way, always down for some low-key King Arthur shit?

11. Why can’t the US have some mystical creature be its official animal? Like a griffin? Or a pegasus? Or a bald … eagle?

12. If someone had roughly one thousand parchment paper looking business cards, each with a unicorn on it, and their name written in caligraphy, would that sort of go over in Scotland? I’m just asking for a friend.

13. Raise your hand if you really believe in unicorns. Yay or neigh.