How to Make Your Skeleton Scary, with Jack Handey

CommentatorJack Handey, of Deep Thoughts fame, wants to leave a big impression — even after death. He wonders, “If a skeleton’s not scary, what’s the point of having one?” So here are some of his tips on how to make your skeleton as scary as possible.

• Probably the most obvious way to make your skeleton scarier is to gradually distort your bones into grotesque shapes while you’re still alive, using a series of vices and clamps. But this is not as easy as it sounds. You may just end up with an expensive set of clamps. The truth is, the time to consider this method is probably when you’re young and your bones pliable. But most people don’t even think about their skeletons then. They’re too busy going, “Let’s play hide and seek,” or “Where’s my dolly?”
• An easier, more practical alternative might be to have your eyeballs injected with some sort of preservative after you’re dead. That way, your skeleton will have intact eyeballs, which is very scary.
• Some people make the mistake that just because they’re hideous in life, their skeletons will be hideous. Unfortunately, that’s a myth.
• The main thing is, try to avoid clichs. Ask yourself what you find scary in a skeleton. Or ask your kids, or your grandkids. Then build on that.