Chilled-out Pope still thinks you’ll burn in hell if you have sex before marriage
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Pope Francis, known for being more laid back than his predecessors, still maintains that you will burn for eternity should you have sex out of wedlock. “I don’t want to fool you,” he said, in a recent interview.
“I am definitely a laid back dude, the kind of person who might even dance across a jumbo floor piano like Tom Hanks did in the movie Big, but, yes, I still think that if you have sex with Chad from accounting your soul will writhe in eternal damnation for all time.”
Since his election in 2013 the pope has made waves with his unconventional approach, posing for photo ops, taking the bus, and even making a sandwich for one of his guards.
“Will I pose for a selfie in the Vatican? Check. Will I put on a clown’s nose? Check. Will I relax the attitude of the church toward contraception, or something as simple as distributing condoms in countries that continue to be ravaged by poverty and AIDS? That would be a no.”
“Look” he said, tossing up a Koosh ball. “If I were to do that, what kind of example would I be setting? I’m a casual guy, but I gotta think of the man upstairs. And his son, who died on a cross after being whipped and tortured, to save us from our sins, which is why we, you know, put on robes and drink his blood every Sunday.”
“Anyone want in on this?” he said, pointing to a plate of nachos.
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